ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
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Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
This will teach them to underestimate me
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
I need to get some bricks…
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING