I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
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Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.