I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
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Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Stop it! 😂
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
LOL!
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Air pods looking like an angry frog
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.