shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
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My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
🍞🦆
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.