Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
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A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.