I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
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Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information