Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
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I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
A little too much information.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent