my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
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Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now