Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
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justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.