[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
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sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
This is me 🤣🤣
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.