“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
You Might Also Like
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.