I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
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[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]