Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
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Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
My dog ate my work from home.