Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
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A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
screw you
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.