suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
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*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.