My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
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Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
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Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
What the hell happened in there??
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.