Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
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Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE