Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
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Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!