This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
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Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Europe. Made in Germany.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.