My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
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I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
It’s the weekend y’all
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.