me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
You Might Also Like
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.