Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
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Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe