I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
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Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator