Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
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Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
this came to me in a vision
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.