Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
You Might Also Like
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped