Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
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I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF