If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
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I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Try and stop me.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.