Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
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I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Cheers Twitter.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.