You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
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me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.