I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
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I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.