I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
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guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
eggs benadryl
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
Florida be like…
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.