wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
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My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
I love the honesty
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.