A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
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my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?