What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
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The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*