Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
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boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Legend 🤣🤣
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
good let them take over I have had enough
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
🍞🦆
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.