A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
You Might Also Like
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Still cracks me up
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?