My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
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Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
I had to Stop for this
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?