Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
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Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!