Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
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im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.