My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
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Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit