Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
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*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Lmao the reply
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
thank god
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.