“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
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1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.