friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
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i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Jesus Christ lmao
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.