My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
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Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.