Absolute genius if you ask me 馃憣馃ぃ
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Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
2025: The pi帽atas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I鈥檓 now an alcoholic race horse.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it鈥檚 for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Meanwhile in Canada…
Wife: It鈥檚 like we don鈥檛 even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That鈥檚 not my name
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend