Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
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Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
There are usually two types of merchants.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
I forgot how to panic. Help
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?