My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
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Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?