[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
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Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂