God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
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In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Beware of the dog..
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.