If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
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You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.